ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
