She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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