just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i think i have two assholes
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
