How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
