Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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