I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
