I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
wanna go halves on a baby?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
