SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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