Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
