Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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