just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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