i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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