I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
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