so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
