is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
