There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
