That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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