We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
