he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
