i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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