Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
