He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
