so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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