I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
