So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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