I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize