Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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