Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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