You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Randomize
