I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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