just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
