im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you traded sex for a burrito?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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