capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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