Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
me + whiskey = a bad person
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
