hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
