i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
