she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
