Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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