Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
