I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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