I could have mohawked her pubes.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
