You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
