his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
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