You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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