your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
