i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
