I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
