My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
