Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
