Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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