she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Less talking, more tequila
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
