Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
