And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
