Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
