i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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