I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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