the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
