her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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