My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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