I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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