yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
