the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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