Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
